Madeline Buss, residing in Vancouver, shares her experience in this First Person column. For additional details on CBC’s First Person stories, refer to the FAQ section.
Upon finalizing the lease for my initial apartment located 5,000 kilometers away from my mother, she was admitted to the ICU on the same day.
Feelings of guilt overwhelmed me; was I falling short as a daughter?
My mother had been in and out of the hospital for most of that month. Prior to that, she had encountered numerous medical hurdles — battling multiple sclerosis, undergoing chemotherapy at 16 for bone cancer, and struggling with depression and anxiety. As I was preparing to sign the lease for my upcoming apartment, the phone call came. Anticipating my mother updating me on the hospital food saga, I was surprised to hear my stepfather’s voice on the line. Unusual.Â
The words “Please sit down” from him sent a shiver down my spine. The revelation that “A heart transplant is the best option for Mum,” truly unsettled me.Â
Almost reaching the landlord’s office, I nervously signed the lease papers, with little recollection of the rest of the day. The hours passed as I gazed out of the window in my compact dorm room in Vancouver. Later that evening, I sat silently in the passenger seat, tears welling up, while a friend tried to provide comfort. We watched the sunset by the shore in silence.Â
Questions plagued my mind: Why wasn’t I at Mum’s side in Cambridge, Ont.?Â
Throughout my childhood, I have often been affectionately dubbed an “Old Soul” — a person perceived as mature beyond their years. While this title encapsulates many of my traits, what has been overlooked is my unconventional relationship with my parents. This is not to imply a strained bond with my mother; in fact, she is the most important person in my life.
My teenage years were consumed by the fear that my mother might not witness my high school graduation. However, upon achieving that milestone, I realized I had little else to be proud of. Those years were spent in apprehension, on autopilot. Just before the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic, my mother’s health deteriorated significantly. She lost sensation on the left side of her body, struggled to walk more than a few meters, and couldn’t drive. I was in 10th grade at the time. I took charge of grocery shopping, meal preparation, and became her sounding board for grievances about the world (understandably so).Â
